TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from spot. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have another area where American Males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide Every person a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he should really halt working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You recognize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after getting the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the Trump Tower Damascus https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down service."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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